All men should strive, to learn before they die, what they are running from, and to, and why.

I really think that the things you learn as a kid follow you throughout life. You learn what's right and wrong, you learn how to interact with people, you learn how to think about yourself and develop all sorts of opinions. A lot of these things are subconscious; I was never directly told to think that maybe I wasn't good enough or to be a bend-over-backwards people pleaser. Things happen, people treat you certain ways, and suddenly the truths that you surround yourself with are actually not all that true, and your entire outlook on life is skewed.

Everyone has some sort of issue. Most of us have multiple knotted, overlapping issues that we don't even want to acknowledge let alone untangle. This world is fallen and hurtful and putting on a happy face doesn't make it all okay. I've tried that approach and I think what it really does is make you feel isolated and start revolving everything in life around your own problems. It's a defense mechanism, for sure, but I feel like for me at least, to be so woe-is-me all the time was...well, pretty selfish.

I've been trying to root out this stuff in my own life, almost since it started happening. But paradigm shift is tricky. Not impossible, but it's a slow, healing process. I had felt this tension building up in my chest for a while, it was heavy and has annoyed the crap out of me. I didn't want to deal with it, I wanted to cover it up, make it go away. At that point I could even recognize my tendency to focus inwardly and become withdrawn, so I balked against the idea of actually turning to the source of those feelings.

Over time it got harder to ignore and I knew God was telling me that the things in my life that were burdening me wouldn't just disappear if I didn't give them any attention. And He was telling me that I was strong enough, with a little help, to face them head on.

So I sought some people out, amazing Godly women who know when to comfort and when to play hard ball, when to sit and listen, and best of all, how to lead by example. It's been easy in the sense that I'm so ready to get it all out and start piecing things together the right way. It's been hard in the sense that it goes deep deep deep and some of these things are so entwined in me that it hurts and tears and rips to get them out. But I want them out.

God's teaching me more these days about who I am, how I'm wired, why the heck I do some of the things I do or think the way I think, and that being vulnerable, even with the terrifying exposed feeling, is liberating and in the end, it's so much easier to not hide.

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People become attached to their burdens sometimes more than the burdens are attached to them. - George Bernard Shaw

Have I learned anything yet?

Second term of nursing school and I still feel totally out of my league. It's been an in-one-ear-out-the-other sort of sensation pretty much the whole way, I'm getting the grade but I worry if I'm getting it in the way that matters most. My classmates are awesome people, I get along well with everyone and have a good study group going. My personal study habits have improved drastically (I may have actually kicked that nasty netflix habit, thank the Lord...).

For me, nursing school isn't my whole life. Sometimes I feel guilty, like I should be all-consumed by this, wrap up my identity in it, and filter out everything else so I can be the best. nurse. ever. But it's not like that. If I had to break it down, I think my time and thoughts and emotions are about 45% nursing. Not even half. It's still a formidable chunk, but I'm wondering if the way I divvy up time and energy is the most effective. I still have a lot of hours at work to squeeze in, I still volunteer at church and hang out with crazy jr. high kids every week, I still make time for friends and family and God. School is important, nursing is important, but I don't think those things will ever define me. Not completely anyway. I'm still figuring out how that makes me feel. In the moment, I think it takes a lot of the burden off my shoulders. If I flunk out, I'll survive. I would feel pretty lame, but I would move on. I don't know...I'm not going to flunk out, I promise, I'm just thinking what if's here.

Lastly, there is this part of my mind that is totally focused on how God is moving in my life. My heart for serving has had multiple outlets, the latest one being a summer missions trip to serve the people of Italy. I feel so blessed to have this opportunity, and am blown away by God's faithfulness. He hears my prayers and answers them in His perfect timing. He's good like that.

So overall, I feel like nursing school is just this small chapter in my life, with lots of unrelated footnotes strewn throughout and maybe the random diagram of how to assemble the perfect pie crust. It's not all serious or totally stressful or entirely consuming. I'm still making adjustments to the balance between school and life and everything therein, but we've got a workable format and a pie crust diagram that's bound to come in handy.

The Start of Something New

I decided to start writing again. I can't really say why…I mean I have a few theories. Nursing school is going to plunge me into a world of unknowns, and having an outlet for stress relief is…comforting, I suppose. Or it could be that I need a productive way to procrastinate. Or that i am self absorbed and want to whine or complain or applaud myself for the world to see. Whatever. I'm doing it.

So the first week…and a half: check. It was kind of like waiting for Christmas, the emotional build-up, the nerves, the not being able to sleep the night before, and the spending of LOTS of money. Then BAM it's here and it's crazy and it's over. The first day at least.

I'm realizing that I am going to have to really discipline myself here. Time management is not a strong point of mine, and I've always been able to pretty much get away with it and BS my way through whatever I slacked off on. Not this time. I mean, what we're learning now is critical. It could save or cost someone's life someday (and I'm not just trying to be dramatic…for the most part). So I want to know it and retain it and put all the pieces together.

I feel totally inept, and I don't think that feeling's going away anytime soon, but I have to let it motivate rather than discourage. And if anyone wants to buy me pie and hold up flash cards for me every once in a while I wouldn't say no. :)