Se we're down to the final stretch. Classes are over, work projects are done, and the most strenuous event on the horizon is packing and clean up. Hopefully I can fit all my stuff back into my suitcase...
We are losing one of our leaders at the end of this term, due to financial strains Laura won't be continuing with us to Mexico. It's been a big shock and difficult to deal with, but Laura has handled it graciously and has been a great example of trusting in God even when life doesn't seem to make sense.
I am pretty ready to come home now, I love everyone here, but even the knowledge that we're leaving soon makes me want to leave soon, if that makes sense. I'm looking forward to catching up with everyone and actually having some solo time--they really, really stress community involvement at Ventana, not exactly my forte. :)
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Focus
Well last week I had an "impressive" infection of strep throat. Thankfully (and unexpectedly), my medical insurance doesn't run out until the end of the year, so we were able to take care of it with minor dips into my savings account. It was a huge blessing to not have to shell out hundreds of dollars for a doctor's visit.
Overall, the past few weeks have been pretty overwhelming. Both academically, physically, and relationally. I am being pressed to my limits in many different areas, and honestly, it's making me kind of cranky. On top of all these exertions, I haven't been filling myself up again.
We had a devotional the other morning about Martha and Mary and I came to the realization that throughout all this Biblical study, all this going out in God's name, all this friendship building and socially interacting...despite the focus on Christ, I haven't spent any actual time at Jesus' feet. I have been bustling around like Martha, keeping busy but not actually just sitting and basking in God's presence. It's a lame realization to come to, but a necessary one.
I think once that's straightened out, it will be easier to diligently face my schoolwork, to do grueling work projects with a smile, and to love on my peers even if they're annoying the crap out of me. So here it goes.
Overall, the past few weeks have been pretty overwhelming. Both academically, physically, and relationally. I am being pressed to my limits in many different areas, and honestly, it's making me kind of cranky. On top of all these exertions, I haven't been filling myself up again.
We had a devotional the other morning about Martha and Mary and I came to the realization that throughout all this Biblical study, all this going out in God's name, all this friendship building and socially interacting...despite the focus on Christ, I haven't spent any actual time at Jesus' feet. I have been bustling around like Martha, keeping busy but not actually just sitting and basking in God's presence. It's a lame realization to come to, but a necessary one.
I think once that's straightened out, it will be easier to diligently face my schoolwork, to do grueling work projects with a smile, and to love on my peers even if they're annoying the crap out of me. So here it goes.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Getting There
One of the most unique experiences I have had thus far at Ventana is working with the homeless in Santa Cruz. This past Wednesday I had the opportunity to hang out on Pacific Avenue, a short strip that encapsulates the best and the worst of Santa Cruz. We are given five dollars, intended to be used to buy someone a drink or meal, and are let loose to just go love on people for two and a half hours. It felt so unnatural at first to strike up conversations with a stranger, to initiate the avoided eye-contact, to say hi and not keep walking. However, each time it got easier, and each time I recognized more and more people. I have been able to establish relationships with people who I normally never come into contact with…How strange it feels to walk down the street in the heart of a foreign city and recognize so many people there!
Don’t get me wrong, the experience has not been any sort of boon to self-satisfaction in feeling generous and kind and loving. It has been a lesson in how blindly I walk through life, concerned with myself and too busy or self-absorbed to care about others.
Ventana is definitely not the ooey gooey feel good kind of ministry. It isn’t an enormous, extended spiritual high of yay me for choosing Jesus. There’s something about being in a consistent community of believers, all at similar places in life, that drags the worst of me to the surface. We experience intimacy of friendship that permeates the casual acquaintances our generation is so accustomed to. We get angry when we are angry and get sad when we are sad, something that makes sense on paper but is frowned upon in our stoic, rushed society. We break through the artificial happy faces and feel uncomfortably comfortable with one another.
My poor attitude flares up continually, my insecurities take on an air of jealousy and judgment, my self-satisfaction, my confidence in being a Christian is seen as it truly is—pride in my actions and choices rather than humble acceptance of the gift of grace. I am being reminded daily how far I am fallen from the perfection I fool myself into believing is attainable.
Yet I love it? There is something about the phoniness of society that never appealed to me. However, it is dangerously possible to go from one extreme to another, to regard the rest of the world as starry-eyed and idealistic, while in fact fooling yourself into believing you have risen above. The kind of reality here is not simply a more cynical disenchantment of looking into who we are, not the approach of the intellectual or the approach of the world-weary follower, believing they are the ones who truly understand Christ. It is more so the approach of the ragamuffin, undeserving of grace but aware and passionately grateful for it.
“More pleasing to Me than all your prayers, works, and penances is that you would believe I love you.”
Don’t get me wrong, the experience has not been any sort of boon to self-satisfaction in feeling generous and kind and loving. It has been a lesson in how blindly I walk through life, concerned with myself and too busy or self-absorbed to care about others.
Ventana is definitely not the ooey gooey feel good kind of ministry. It isn’t an enormous, extended spiritual high of yay me for choosing Jesus. There’s something about being in a consistent community of believers, all at similar places in life, that drags the worst of me to the surface. We experience intimacy of friendship that permeates the casual acquaintances our generation is so accustomed to. We get angry when we are angry and get sad when we are sad, something that makes sense on paper but is frowned upon in our stoic, rushed society. We break through the artificial happy faces and feel uncomfortably comfortable with one another.
My poor attitude flares up continually, my insecurities take on an air of jealousy and judgment, my self-satisfaction, my confidence in being a Christian is seen as it truly is—pride in my actions and choices rather than humble acceptance of the gift of grace. I am being reminded daily how far I am fallen from the perfection I fool myself into believing is attainable.
Yet I love it? There is something about the phoniness of society that never appealed to me. However, it is dangerously possible to go from one extreme to another, to regard the rest of the world as starry-eyed and idealistic, while in fact fooling yourself into believing you have risen above. The kind of reality here is not simply a more cynical disenchantment of looking into who we are, not the approach of the intellectual or the approach of the world-weary follower, believing they are the ones who truly understand Christ. It is more so the approach of the ragamuffin, undeserving of grace but aware and passionately grateful for it.
“More pleasing to Me than all your prayers, works, and penances is that you would believe I love you.”
Friday, October 17, 2008
U·biq·ui·tous Up·date
I really didn't want to start off my blog by saying, "Hey everyone! I've started a blog!" or "Well, folks, I've hopped on the blog train!" or "This is my blog," but then I ended up saying all three so I guess I am fated to sound like a technologically challenged middle aged cat lady attempting to make shallow friends via the internet.
Ventana has been incredible, but not in the ways I had imagined. The school work is intense and challening, the work days are long and very physical, the people are amazing and strange, and God continues to show up in ways I had never expected.
I love our classes. I am learning so much and love it. All of the classes seem to overlap and connect together, and a lot of our textbook authors quote each other (one has even quoted himself...it was kind of weird). I am really excited about how real the Bible is becomming, how I have been able to dig into passages and extract meaning that applies to not only my life, but life in general.
We work three days out of the week with the camp we're staying at, Mission Springs. It's actually calledd "Service Learning" because we're being taught valuable lifeskills...I think maybe they are trying to market mannual labor as a fun opportunity. But the staff we have been working with are great and I've actually learned a few things, believe it or not. I have stained and sanded and unbolted and rebolted and hammered and and mannually inserted earplugs (in my own ears, by the way) and swept and even used power tools. And only one blister so far.
We don't have a lot of free time and have limited access to cell phones and laptops (so we don't isolate ourselves and forgo socialization), but I think it is for the best.
Anyway, it's getting late and I have homework I should go pretend to work on.
Ventana has been incredible, but not in the ways I had imagined. The school work is intense and challening, the work days are long and very physical, the people are amazing and strange, and God continues to show up in ways I had never expected.
I love our classes. I am learning so much and love it. All of the classes seem to overlap and connect together, and a lot of our textbook authors quote each other (one has even quoted himself...it was kind of weird). I am really excited about how real the Bible is becomming, how I have been able to dig into passages and extract meaning that applies to not only my life, but life in general.
We work three days out of the week with the camp we're staying at, Mission Springs. It's actually calledd "Service Learning" because we're being taught valuable lifeskills...I think maybe they are trying to market mannual labor as a fun opportunity. But the staff we have been working with are great and I've actually learned a few things, believe it or not. I have stained and sanded and unbolted and rebolted and hammered and and mannually inserted earplugs (in my own ears, by the way) and swept and even used power tools. And only one blister so far.
We don't have a lot of free time and have limited access to cell phones and laptops (so we don't isolate ourselves and forgo socialization), but I think it is for the best.
Anyway, it's getting late and I have homework I should go pretend to work on.
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